Elusive Butterfly of Contentment

surrounded by people, yet alone.
encircled by friends, yet being held apart by the claustrophobic feeling of your thoughts analyzing the world around you.
you watch the way someone stands. he tries to look confident, but you can see the fear and the insecurity that he holds within.
or the way she glances quickly about the room, adjusting her bra strap and holding her drink close to her chest. she laughs, but her eyes betray her wish to be somewhere else.
hundreds of people trying their best to act like their having fun.
laughing too hard at a not so funny joke.
throwing back their drinks quicker than they'd like to.
desperately hoping that the buzz they get will give them the life they want.
fooling themselves into thinking that this is entertainment.
yes, it's entertaining, this falling asleep at tables, and stumbling down the street.

its unnerving to be around someone who has an ulterior motive. try being among a few hundred of them. the air is filled with static energies of guilt, and fear, and boredom, and confusion. with fright, and hesitation, and insecurity, and anxiety.
noone goes to a bar just to drink. if that's all you wanted to do you could stay at home. no. people go to bars with an ulterior motive. a sort of invisible butterfly net. they enter with hope of catching that elusive butterfly. what she is depends on who we're talking about. to some, its love. to others, its comfort. to others again, just a sense of belonging or even just 'happiness'. some are successful, though more often than not this is merely by chance. but most; most leave empty handed; empty netted. they enter with hope and leave it standing at the bar.

you will not catch her in these places. you will not catch her when surrounding you are those who are reaching just as earnestly upwards with their nets. she knows she is desired, and will give herself unto noone. it is only when you set yourself apart, and wait for a moment when there is peace in your head and peace in your air. when the grass blows cool rippling through the fields, and the flowers smile secretly to themselves. when you're not being crushed by the weight of the desperation of hundreds of lost souls standing about you. only then will you find that as you sit serenely upon the rock of tranquility in a state of quiet contemplation, the butterfly will fly that little bit closer and with movements so slight even the wind has trouble hearing her, she will land, ever so gently, upon your waiting trembling shoulder, offering her fragility so firmly to you. only then will you find what it is that you seek.


saturday night, 3am, and i still didnt get my dance. feet were tapping all night, but there was no dancing by those i described above. almost went to a crappy club, just so i could dance. but birthday girl calls the shots. so ill dance tomorrow.

Ah, Life!

Ah, Life! How quickly you can turn around, and swell my heart so its fit to burst. With no more than a few words, how easily you can lace the breeze with the scent of heather, and place upon the corners of my mouth a smile which I cannot suppress.
Yes, Life! It is for moments like these that I can accept your hardships, and for moments like these that the endless days of monotony and futility seem more than worthwhile.
Ah, Life! I have been scratched and swayed and tossed and thrown, but now, with those words from him I stand strong. In the song of a bird I can hear the ocean, and in the crash of the waves, the calls of the seals.
Yes, Life! It may only last a moment, but what a moment it will be!