The Unexpected Guest

Apologies for not posting more often.
I would have liked to.
God knows, there have been thoughts enough to fill an entire blog these days. Things I want to talk about; Issues I want to address.
I'll come to them some time. Not having internet access at home, and being at home studying most of the time, means that I can't now just post whenever a thought comes to mind. Instead, I have to hope it will remain in my mind, for the time when I will get to a computer. I have to, for now, rely on the trusty pen and paper, which in my opinion is the only true way to really record ones thoughts and feelings. Perhaps I should continue as I began last night, to simply use a floppy disk to store things on.

When I finally do get to a computer, I never end up posting what I had originally intended to. Instead, I find that something more pressing has come to mind, or that I just do not have the strength to address my original thoughts simply because they generate such strong emotions within. That is my problem really. The fact that I feel things so much more strongly than others. I blame it on being a scorpio, and the fact that my element is water. Perhaps blame is the wrong word. I credit this trait to those facts. For that reason, others don't seem to understand where I'm coming from alot of the time. There is no way for me to explain how I feel inside, because there simply are no words for it. Therefore, alot of the times, I just don't try. For those who are more logical, and less attuned to the feelings of themselves and others, it's hard to understand me. They can listen, and they can appreciate it, but it ends there.

However, I count this intuitive, emotional me, as a blessing rather than a burden. It's the reason I'm such a good actress. Only for these traits, I would not be able to project myself so successfully within the mind and character of others, whether fictional or not. When someone is happy I become happy. Likewise, I feel their sadness when others do not. Perhaps that is why I cannot ignore things others can so easily turn a blind eye to. This mind works overtime, all the time. Sometimes I feel like Phaedrus, from "Zen and the art of Motorcycle Maintenance". He went insane in the end. I don't think I will. But, what is insanity anyhow? Something other than the norm. I talked about this in an earlier post.

Enough of this anyhow. I have to go. Here's something I came across last night. I wrote it a few months ago, and I think it's good. If you're easily disturbed then it's probably best you don't read further. I don't think it's disturbing at all. I actually think it's quite beautiful. If you would rather reject sadness, and death, simply because they are not 'happy' topics; if you ignore their presence in this world; if you choose to close your eyes to a part of life which is just as real as laughter and birth, then not only are you fooling yourself and missing out, but you probably wouldn't feel comfortable reading this. Needless to say, it wasn't meant to be disturbing. It's a piece written upon a chance of inspiration.


I shall be an unexpected guest
In the kingdom of death
And unexpected guests are
Seldom very welcome.
Yet I shall arrive, travel-weary,
The only baggage my emotions.
A knock at the door
Will signal my coming
And though He is kind,
He shall sigh in confusion;
For however so kind a host is
Eleven is a bother when ten places have been set.
But wait! In my haste to flee
That hate-filled world of sadness
I forgot that you should never
Expect hospitality when you come empty-handed.
I have brought myself though,
Is that not enough?
There were ones at home
Dying to possess me
And here in death
Am I not giving myself unto Him?
Hearing his footsteps nearing the door
Leaving the warmth of the party
For the purgatory of the hallway
Between their heaven of laughter
And my hell of indecision
I panic. And in my panic
I turn to run
Toward the tunnel from whence
I came. Yet I cannot move, for
I recall suddenly the fact
That although life is hesitant and unsure
The strength of death lies in its
Sureity that it is absolute.
While living, the only thing we
Know for certain is that we shall die.
I would soon have received my
Invitation, and yet here
I am impatiently demanding
He feed my starved soul, and
Clothe my naked emotions.
He has reached the door, for I
Hear him turning a key.
I realise how very rude my
Early arrival must seem.
Empty-handed, Empty hearted,
I have come seeking a warmth
My dead blood cannot yet
Hope to gain. And so I turn.
Pick up my soul with a heavy sigh
And turn toward the darkness
Which surrounds His house of light.
I step off the porch
And resign myself
To wandering the darkness;
Without purpose;
Without cause.
Alone,
Until my arrival
Is expected.

And so it was...

And so it was she found herself a part of one of those couples she used to look at and pity. She sat there next to him, neither one of them talking, staring not at one another but at the man standing singing in the corner. Arms almost mandatorily entwined, looking like they had been together so long they had run out of things to say to one another. A wall had been erected between them, and hard as it was to accept, she knew that it had been her who had built it. Whether it was a quick process, or one of long, tedious labour, even she could not tell you. Had it grown brick by brick with every thing he had said that had annoyed, with every action which confirmed he was not the man for her? Or had it just shot up overnight, over the space of a few hours, like the ivy one suddenly notices has consumed one’s house?
It had been fruitless anyhow; she could have told you it would have been. And yet, she had foolishly listened when all around her pushed them together. She had naively believed that the love she held for him could be converted to romantic love, as easily as one would change currency before travelling abroad. Yes, she had loved him. She still did. A tender, genuine love; But not like that.
And yet, how could she now break his heart? Break the heart that had waited so long for her? She wondered if her life’s actions should depend firstly on how they affect others and lastly on how they affected her? But, could she, and should she, justify a relationship which did not penetrate to the depths of her soul and emotions? No, she could not. She could see no reason large enough to justify fooling her heart and his. Fooling his that she felt for him as he did for her, and fooling hers that she would develop such feelings over time.
Love grows with time, that is true, but earth-shaking, world-shattering love; there’s no way to generate that. It’s either there or it’s not, and you can know the chances of its being there from the first moment you catch eyes, or the first real conversation you share, or the first time your lips meet. Yes, you know. And yet, so many of us are prepared to settle for nothing more than “nice”. Perhaps we feel we should not be so conceited as to assume we deserve anything more? This may be true. But as she sat there, these thoughts whirling about her mind, she knew that she would rather wait for that earth-shattering love, than wait for the time never to come when this “nice” man would turn her world upside down and inside out. For, when it comes to love, the last thing you want to be is standing feet firmly on the ground.

Post On The Way

Post in progress.
Stay tuned.